Thursday, December 27, 2012

Tequilahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!


A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to
the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it..
He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"

"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the
keys to a brand new Lexus."

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"

"You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."

So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the
jar.

"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do:


First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila in 60 seconds or less, and you can't
make a face while doing it."
 
"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove
that tooth with your bare hands."
 
"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care
of that problem."
 
 
The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 -- but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd
have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!"

"Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is."

As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn
tequila?!"

He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down
both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds!
Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the
people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -then,
nothing but silence!

Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar.
His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body.
He drunkenly says, "Now... where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"

Sunday, December 23, 2012

Where Would You Be?

WHERE WOULD YOU BE...


IF - YOU HAD ALL THE MONEY YOUR HEART DESIRES.


IF - YOU HAD NO WORRIES.


IF - YOU CAME HOME AND THE FINEST MEAL WAS AWAITING YOU.


IF - YOUR BATH WATER HAD BEEN RUN.


IF - YOU HAD THE PERFECT KIDS & PETS.


IF - YOUR PARTNER WAS AWAITING YOU, WITH OPEN ARMS AND KISSES?


SO, WHERE WOULD YOU BE ?


Well....... HELLOOooo !!!!!!!


You'd be at the
WRONG FUCKIN' HOUSE

Saturday, December 22, 2012

Elderly Driver

 
An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2 a.m and was asked where he was going at that time of night.
 
The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
 
The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
 
The man replied, "That would be my wife."

Monday, December 17, 2012

Men

A man was granted two wishes by God,
He asked for the best drink & the best woman ever.
Next moment he got
mineral water & Mother Teresa.

**********

There are 3 kinds of men in this world.
Some remain single and make wonders happen.
Some have girlfriends and see wonders happen.

Rest get married and wonder what happened!

**********

Wives are magicians.
They can change anything into an argument
 
**********
"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."

"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"

"I know all that."

"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"


"Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."

**********

I WILL THINK ABOUT IT:
When a married man says, I'll think about it - what he really means is that he doesn't know his wife's opinion yet.
 
TALKING IN SLEEP:
A lady says to her doctor: "My husband has a habit of talking in his sleep! What should I give him to cure it?"
The doctor replies: "Give him an opportunity to speak when he's awake!
 
COOL MESSAGE BY A WIFE:
Dear Mother-in-law, Don't teach me how to handle my children.
I am living with one of yours and he needs a lot of improvement!?
 

Organ Transplant - Never Easy

Golfer's Medical Problem

A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.

"I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!"

"Oh God no!" cries the man. "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?

"The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm. I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant."

"Go for it doc" says the man. "As long as I can play golf again."

The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon.
"Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon.

"Just great" says the businessman. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved."

"That's great," said the surgeon.

"Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors."

"Unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?"

"Well, just one problem," said the golfer:  (scroll down)

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-
-
--
"every time I get an erection, I also get a headache."

A Humour a day keeps the Boredom away....

I asked my new girlfriend what sort of books she's interested in,
She said: Cheque books.

*****
The easiest way to make your old car run better, is to check the prices of new car.

*****
Q: What is the difference between men and pigs?
A: Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.

*****
Q: What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?
A: A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.

*****
Nurse: A beautiful woman who holds your hand for one full minute
and then expects your pulse to be normal.

*****
Boss: We are very keen on cleanliness. Did you wipe your feet on the mat as you came in?
New employee: Yes, sir.
Boss: We are also keen on truthfulness. There is no mat.

*****
Q: Why dogs don't marry?
A: Because they are already leading a dog's life!

*****
Q: What's the difference between mother & wife?
A: One woman brings you into the world crying & the other ensures you continue to do so.

*****
Q: Singh enters kitchen, opens sugar container, looks inside and
closes it. He does this again and again. Why?
A: Because his Doctor told him to check sugar level regularly.

*****
What's the difference between a good secretary and a personal secretary?
One says "Good morning, boss". The other says "It's morning, boss."

Still Funny :) :) :) :)

You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be
miserable,
Or get married and wish you were dead.


At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?'
'Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.'


A little boy asked his father,
'Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?'
Father replied, 'I don't know son, I'm still paying.'

A young son asked,
'Is it true Dad, that in some
parts of Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?'
Dad replied, 'That happens in every country, son.'


If you want your spouse to listen and
pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.


Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life
thinking they had no faults at all.
 

First guy says, 'My wife's an angel!'
Second guy remarks, 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'

Put a piece of Rubber

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children.

A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, 'Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy.'

The blind man replies, 'If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus..... so shut the hell up.'

Signs of Times

Advertisement In A Long Island Shop:
 
Guitar, for sale ... Cheap ... no strings attached.

Ad In Hospital Waiting Room:

Smoking Helps You Lose Weight ... One Lung At A Time!

Seen on a bulletin board:
 
Success Is Relative. More The Success, More The Relatives.
 
When I Read About The Evils Of Drinking ... I Gave Up Reading.

My Grandfather Is Eighty And Still Doesn't Need Glasses ...
He Drinks Straight Out Of The Bottle.


You Know Your kids Have Grown Up When:
Your Daughter Begins To Put On Lipstick! Or Your Son Starts To Wipe It Off.


 
Sign In A Bar:

'Those Of You Who Are Drinking To Forget, Please Pay In Advance.' 

Sign In Driving School:

If Your Wife Wants To Learn To Drive, Don't Stand In Her Way.

Behind Every Great Man, There Is A Surprised Woman.

The Reason Men Lie Is Because Women Ask So Many Questions.


 Sign in a shop corner introducing new products:

Getting Caught Is The Mother Of Invention.

Sign in a Hospital ward:

Laugh And The World Laughs With You,
Snore And You sleep Alone.


 
The Surest Sign That Intelligent Life Exists Elsewhere In The Universe
Is The Fact That It Has Never Tried To Contact Us.


Sign At A Barber's Saloon:

We Need Your Heads To Run Our Business.  

A Traffic Slogan:

Don't Let Your Kids Drive If They are Not Old Enough
Or Else They Will Never Be.


Sign In A Restaurant:

All Drinking Water In This Establishment
Has Been Personally Passed By The Manager.

Sign On A Famous Beauty Parlour Window:

Don't Whistle At The Girls Going Out From Here.
She May Be Your Grandmother!

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

Ecstasy !!!


He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face, as his girlfriend moved forwards then backwards. .... Forwards then backwards. .... Back and forth... back and forth... In and out, in and out.... Her heart was now pounding faster, her face was flushed and she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.
Finally exhausted she let out one almighty scream!!!
!
;
;
;
;
;
;
;
;
;
;
;
;
;
;
;
;
"OK !... OK!... I CANT park the fucking car! You do it you SMUG BASTARD!"

Baptist Cowboy


A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."

"Hasn't affected my brothers though."

You can't beat a Gujaratik

A Gujarati and a Sindhi entered a chocolate store. As they were busy looking, the Sindhi stole 3 chocolate bars.

As they left the store, Sindhi said to Gujarati: "Man I'm the best
thief, I stole 3 chocolates and no one saw me You can't beat that."

Gujarati replied: "You want see something better? Let's go back to the shop and I'll show you real stealing."

So they went to the counter and the Gujarati said to the Shopkeeper: "Do you want to see magic ?" The Shopkeeper replied: "Yes."


The Gujarati said: "Give me one chocolate bar." The Shopkeeper gave him one, and he ate it.

The Gujarati asked for a second bar, and he ate that as well. He asked for the third, and finished that one too.

The shopkeeper asked: "But where's the magic ?"

The Gujarati replied: "Check in my friend's pocket, and you'll find all three bars of chocolate."

U Just CAN'T Beat A Gujarati !!

Disgracing the Family

There was a virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it.
 
Her grandmother says, "Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. "He is going to try to kiss you; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that."
 
She continued, "He is going to try to feel your Assets; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that.
 
He is going to try to put his hand somewhere inappropriate; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that.
 
Then the grandmother said, "But, most importantly, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that. It will disgrace the family."
 
With that bit of advice in mind, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it.
 
The next day she told her grandmother that her date went just as the old lady said.
 
She said, "Grandmother, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I turned him over, got on top of him and disgraced his family."

Brilliant Boss



Be careful when your boss writes a glowing letter about you
Was this a clever boss or what?


LETTER OF RECOMMENDATION: Phineas Dlamini
 
1 Phineas Dlamini, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2 hard at work in his cubicle. Phineas works independently, without
3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Phineas never
4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7 breaks. Phineas is an individual who has absolutely no
8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Phineas can be
10 classed as a high-calibre employee, the type that cannot be
11 dispensed with. Consequently, I truly recommend that Phineas be
12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13 executed as soon as possible.
 
Addendum

The idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote this report.
Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines

Men Just Don't Listen







Wanda's dishwasher was broken, so she called in a repairman.  Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman,
"I will leave the key under the mat.  Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check.  Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike.  He won't bother you."
 
 
But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!
 
 

I must stress to you: "DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!"

 
When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen.

But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet
watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with
his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.

Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer 
and yelled, 'Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!' 
 
To which the parrot yelled, 'Get him Spike!'...
See - Men just don't listen!


Postman Pat's Last Day

It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same villages and towns.


When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a cheque for £50.

At the second house they presented him an 18-carat gold watch.

The folks at the third house handed him a bottle of 15-year old Scotch whisky.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a dumb blonde in her lingerie.  She took him by the arm and let him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When they went downstairs, the blonde fixed him a full English breakfast: Bacon, Eggs, Sausage & Tomato with freshly squeezed orange juice.   As she was pouring him a cup of steaming coffee, he noticed a pound coin in the saucer.

"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the pound for?"

"Well," said the dumb blonde, "Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you".

"I asked him what I should give you".

He said, "Fuck him. Give him a quid."

She smiled shyly and said, "The breakfast was my idea."

Sunday, December 16, 2012

Here's why the Jews have long life!

Good medical advice from the Jewish sages of old...


1. F...ing once a week is good for your health, but it's harmful if done every day.

2. F
...ing relaxes your mind and body.

3. F
...ing refreshes you.

4. Immediately after F
...ing, don’t eat too much but for more liquids.

5. Try F
...ing in bed as it's more relaxing and save valuable energy.

6. Regular F
...ing can even reduce your cholesterol levels.

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SO, REMEMBER...
Fasting is good for your health, and may the heavens cleanse any twisted mind...

Friday, December 14, 2012

My Search for a Job

"This is quite clever. I wonder who thinks of all this stuff. "




1. My first job was working in an Orange juice factory, but I got canned. Couldn't concentrate.

2. Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but just
couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.


3. After that, I tried being a Tailor, but wasn't suited for it -- mainly because it was a sew-sew job.


4. Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that was too exhausting.


5. Then, tried being a Chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life, but just didn't have the thyme.


6. Next, I attempted being a Deli Worker, but any way
I sliced it... couldn't cut the mustard.


7. My best job was a Musician,
but eventually found
I wasn't noteworthy.

8. I studied a long time to become a Doctor,
but didn't have any patience.

9. Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory.
Tried hard but just didn't fit in.

10. I became a Professional Fisherman,
but discovered I couldn't live on my net income.


11. Managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance
Company, but the work was just too draining.

12. So then I got a job in a Workout Center,
but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

13. After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got
a job as a Historian - until I realized there was no future in it.

14. My last job was working in Starbucks,
but had to quit because it was the same old grind.

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

One Hole behind you

A guy was playing golf one day and he got lost. He saw a lady up ahead of him and went to her and said,
"Can you please help me, I don't know what Hole I'm on."

She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7; you're on 6."

He thanked her and continued playing golf.

Later, he got lost again. He saw the same lady and went to her again kind of embarrassed.
"I'm sorry to bother you again but I'm lost; can you please tell me what hole I'm on."

She told him, "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 14; you are on 13."

Again, he thanked her and continued playing golf.

When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went up to her and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted. As they were drinking and talking, he asked her what she did for a living.

"I'm in sales," she said.

He replied, "No kidding; so am I."

"What do you sell?" She responded that it was too embarrassing to tell; but after he kept pleading to know what she sold, she finally said that she would tell him if he promised not to laugh. He promised.

She said, "I sell sanitary napkins."

He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically. She said, "You promised you wouldn't laugh".

He replied (still with tears in his eyes), "I'm sorry, but I couldn't help it. I sell toilet paper..... I'm still one Hole behind you."

Financial Planning


Dan was a single guy living at home with his fatherand working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his cancer stricken father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.

One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
 
Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her,

"But in just a few months my father will die and I will inherit $200 million."

Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

Trust Me

WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE - I'M BROKE!
 
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
 
'Good morning,' said the young man.
 
'If I could take a couple minutes of your time,
I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.'

''Go away!'' said the old lady. ''I'm broke and haven't got any money!'' and she proceeded to close the door.
 
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open...

''Don't be too hasty!'' he said. ''Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.'

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. Now if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

The old lady stepped back and said, "Well let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning."
 
LOL.....

AH


A police motorcycle police officer stops a driver for
shooting through a red light.


The driver is a real bar steward, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!

So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation.

The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's
ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit offensive terms.
The tirade goes on without the officer saying a dickybird.

When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to the 'violator' for his signature.

The bloke signs the ticket angrily, and When presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know What it stands for.

The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're An arsehole!"

Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record And he has a heap of demerits and is in danger of losing his license, So he hired a lawyer to represent him.

On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run through the red light. Under cross examination the defence attorney asks; "Officer is this a Reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?"

Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and Mine, same number at the top."

Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"

"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," Underlined.""What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"

"Aggressive and hostile, Sir."

"Aggressive and hostile?"

"Yes, Sir.”

"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for arsehole?"

“Well, sir, you know your client better than I do.”

~~~~ How often can one get an attorney to convict his
own client~~~~


Letter Spacing

Earthly English and importance of spacing !!.
 
A secretary got an expensive pen as a gift from her boss.
 
She sent him a 'Thank you note on email'.
 
Boss' wife read the mail and filed for divorce in court
 
The mails says: 'Your penis wonderful. I enjoyed using it last night. It has extra ordinary smooth flow, and firm strokes. Initially its tip was to be licked to bring to working order & it is equally good on both sides. I loved its perfect size and grip. Felt like I was in heaven when using it. I've always desired for it and you fulfilled my wish. At last it is mine and mine for ever. Thanks a lot"
 
Moral: space is an essential part in English. And so is personal spell-check for typing errors

4 Kind of Sex

There are four kinds of sex :

HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.

BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.

HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK YOU"

COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Help the British Economy

Dr. Marc Faber, the investment guru, concluded his monthly bulletin with the following comments.

Dr. Marc Faber tells it how it is

"The government is sending each of us a £500 rebate. If we spend that money at Marks & Spencers, the money goes to the Jews. If we spend it on petrol it goes to the Arabs. If we buy a computer, it will go to The Republic of Ireland and India. If we purchase fruits and vegetables it will go to France, Spain and Italy. If we purchase a good car, it will go to Germany. If we purchase useless crap, it will go to Taiwan and none of it will help the British economy.

The only way to keep that money here at home is to spend it on prostitutes and beer, since these are the only products still produced in the UK.


I've been doing my part..... and you?"

Best Engine!

"The best engine in the world is the vagina.

It can be started with one finger, but at times when it is hot, it will start spontaneously - so be careful!

It is self-lubricating - saves a lot of money!


It takes any size piston - be it big or small, long or short, straight or crooked.And it is self-servicing by changing oil once every four weeks, but if it doesn't, you better look for a temporary replacement.

It is only a pity that the engine control system is so fucking temperamental. Sometimes it won't start no matter how many fingers.
Such engines do not last though. It needs many fingers to start once it reaches 40.
It loses power by the time it is 50. Its time to get a new one when it is over 50"